Hunting 2.0

It's that special time of year in Wisconsin. A 10 day stretch that means more to most than quite literally anything else in the world. Packers? Hah! Birth of a child? Psh. Bo-oring! Death of a loved one? They can wait!

Yes, it is indeed, deer hunting season in Wisconsin.

But here's the thing. I'm unimpressed. Using equipment that was created over the years at the cost of billions of dollars that is so high tech that some of the items actually use goddamn a satellite is just not sporting. The deer can't even attempt to mount a defense against that! You might as well just buy some venison, take it to the range and have a go at it. It would essentially be the same thing.

So, in an attempt to bring the challenge back to deer hunting, offer up some life changing perspective, and give those mouth breathers who give hunting speeches in Comm 101 classes everywhere something new to talk about, I've instituted the B.A.M.B.I (Bomb Assisted Mammal and Bravery Inciter) program.

The premise is simple; take a selection of deer and using classical conditioning, train them to run full speed in the direction of gun fire. Outfit the deer with a special suicide vest that contains impact sensors and is bullet resistant. The first shot from the hunter arms the device and sends the animal charging toward the shooter. An additional shot is needed in a precise kill zone (an area with no armor) to bring the animal down and deactivate the device. A pulled shot that hits the vest will simply detonate the deer. A complete miss dispenses some type of treat for the deer and disarms the vest.

And there you have it! Actual difficulty, and a sporting chance for the deer are reintroduced. Bragging rights are increased, stories made interesting, the deer population controlled, and simply by adding some napalm and seasoning to the vests any deer that do detonate can be donated, already cooked to perfection, to the local food bank! You're welcome, Wisconsin. You're welcome