Home Security

Apparently people will simply buy signs and stickers that read "This Home Protected by (INSERT COMPANY NAME) SECURITY" instead of actually securing their home, which seems a little silly to me. After all, if you're not actually going to fork out the scratch for a security system and are just making fact-less claims in order to scare away potential burglars, then the sky's the limit isn't it? Why not get more creative?

"This Home Is Protected By Bee's and Hand Grenades... Which One Am I Joking About? Details Inside!" would be a far better sign (spoiler: it's actually bee's *with* hand grenades).

"CAUTION: The Resident Of This House Sleeps In The Nude, Isn't Very Picky And Responds To Intrusion With Confused Eroticism" is another one that would certainly give me pause were I a ne'er-do-well looking to steal someones TV and not be molested by its owner. On the other hand it might attract the kind of burglar that makes other criminals feel a bit uneasy about and avoid in the lunch room at Poor Impulse Control High School.

"Unauthorized Entrance To This Home Guarantees A Trip To Guantanamo Bay And One Complimentary Water Boarding!" seems to strike the right tone between "terrifying jingoistic torture" and "free Caribbean vacation," but might make it awkward when Homeland Security refuses to transport your captured thief to Cuba in a timely manner and you end up baptizing them with freedom in your own home. Remember to put down towels or you might lose your deposit!

Or perhaps a picture is more fitting? After all, they are worth a thousand words, and fitting that many words onto a sticker isn't particularly cost effective. A simple 4x6 sticker with a picture of yourself doing the Silence of The Lambs dance (http://tinyurl.com/6q37a7v skip to 0:53) or dressed as a clown (literally any clown, from It to Krusty The Clown will be more than sufficient) should let the potential trespasser know that he's more than welcome to come in, but if it doesn't want the hose again, it puts the lotion on its skin.

At any rate, get creative and have fun!