Hunting 2.0

It's that special time of year in Wisconsin. A 10 day stretch that means more to most than quite literally anything else in the world. Packers? Hah! Birth of a child? Psh. Bo-oring! Death of a loved one? They can wait!

Yes, it is indeed, deer hunting season in Wisconsin.

But here's the thing. I'm unimpressed. Using equipment that was created over the years at the cost of billions of dollars that is so high tech that some of the items actually use goddamn a satellite is just not sporting. The deer can't even attempt to mount a defense against that! You might as well just buy some venison, take it to the range and have a go at it. It would essentially be the same thing.

So, in an attempt to bring the challenge back to deer hunting, offer up some life changing perspective, and give those mouth breathers who give hunting speeches in Comm 101 classes everywhere something new to talk about, I've instituted the B.A.M.B.I (Bomb Assisted Mammal and Bravery Inciter) program.

The premise is simple; take a selection of deer and using classical conditioning, train them to run full speed in the direction of gun fire. Outfit the deer with a special suicide vest that contains impact sensors and is bullet resistant. The first shot from the hunter arms the device and sends the animal charging toward the shooter. An additional shot is needed in a precise kill zone (an area with no armor) to bring the animal down and deactivate the device. A pulled shot that hits the vest will simply detonate the deer. A complete miss dispenses some type of treat for the deer and disarms the vest.

And there you have it! Actual difficulty, and a sporting chance for the deer are reintroduced. Bragging rights are increased, stories made interesting, the deer population controlled, and simply by adding some napalm and seasoning to the vests any deer that do detonate can be donated, already cooked to perfection, to the local food bank! You're welcome, Wisconsin. You're welcome

It's complicated

I'm a little bit complicated. So I'll try to sum myself up for anyone who reads this blog and doesn't personally know me:

- I like guns, I want all of them, and believe the ownership of such is a right. I also think there are some people who shouldn't have them. I also realize that disarming the legally abiding populace only results in people who are easier to victimize.

- I don't care if two dudes get married, or two women, or a man and a woman, or a woman and a Ferris wheel ( http://tinyurl.com/ldxzl5m ). I'm pretty sure the "sanctity of marriage" ended sometime between Frank Sinatra's third wife and Britney Spears 55 hour Las Vegas marriage.

- I want the Government to spend less of my money and when they spend it, to do so in a fiscally responsible manner.

- I wholeheartedly believe in free access to healthcare for all. Do I have a plan for it? Shit, no. If I had a workable plan for that I wouldn't be putting dick jokes on a free blog, would I?

- It is very likely that I don't care what you think, and never will, but I'll let you prattle on anyway.

- I think religion is far more damaging to humanity than it is helping, but I try not to be an asshole about it. Even Mother Teresa lost her faith  but didn't get all pretentious about it.

- I personally despise people who don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom.

- I demand facts, studies, and verifiable proof.

- I don't think that old men in Washington D.C. have a right to tell anyone what to do with their uterus.

- I once stuck my fingers inside the anus of a pig. On purpose. And the US Navy paid for it. You're welcome.

- I'm socially liberal, fiscally conservative, mentally flexible, and physically attractive.

-That previous line has a bit of an exaggeration in it.

All in all, I have a wide range of opinions and thoughts on a wide range of subjects. Some contradictory, some complimentary, some simply profane. I always enjoy spirited discussion and am willing to change my position if verifiable facts are presented. But if you're stupid, I will let you know. I consider it to be a public service.

Motorcycle Badasses

Now, I'm the first to admit that I can't math. In fact, I feel actual anger at the idea of fractions and calculators make me feel uncomfortable. So perhaps that's the reason why I can't understand these equations:

Day trader (or grocery store cashier, or professor, or janitor, or IT guy, etc) + loud motorcycle + leather pants - helmet * PBR/Friday= Biker gang badass?

Is a two-wheeled method of transportation what turns Bill Lumbergh into Jason Statham? Well, it can't be that, because if that was true Lance Armstrong would be a lot more intimidating and hippie fights would be worth watching.

So it must be the engine? Hmmm... No it can't just be the engine, because I don't think anyone in the history of the world has been impressed or frightened by the owner of a Honda Accord and that engine is far larger than that of a motorcycle.

So maybe it's both assets, combined together? Well, two negatives don't make a positive, so the idea that the motorcycle is what makes you badass is out.

Let's examine the other elements: PBR consumed on Fridays doesn't make you a hard SOB, it just makes you old or cheap (in Wisconsin), or a hipster (in the other 49 states), and gives you diarrhea (all of humanity).

Not wearing a helmet? Lance Armstrong wears a helmet (and we know what kind of a badass he is), but then again so did the dude who shot bin Laden in the face, so it would seem like a helmet isn't a good indicator of badassery (a term originally coined to describe Sean Connery).

So what does that leave us with? Leather pants. After some terrible research spent googling "leather pants" and "badass", and the required scrubbing of my eyes with bleach I have come to the conclusion that leather pants, at least when worn by aging, fat, white, network admins is NOT what turns Mid-life Crisis Mike into MadDawg Mike of the Central WI Motorized Bicycle Killer Klub.

So is it possible that the end result of "Biker gang badass" is incorrect? Is it possible that at the end of the day you're just some asshole without anything exciting in his life that tries to get over the crushing despair of a wife who resents him, kids who despise him, and a double mortgage by accelerating real fast from stop signs on your Harley (that your wife didn't want you to buy, you rebel, you.) ? Are you hoping the hearing damage from your exhaust pipes will drown out the nagging suspicion that Dave from accounting is banging your wife and the fact that your son laughs at you when you tell him to do his homework?

Now, none of this is to say that there aren't badasses who ride motorcycles, but if I had to hazard a guess, I'd probably say that if you were a bad motherf_cker after you bought a motorcycle, you were probably a bad motherf_cker before you ever bought it. Chuck Norris doesn't punch freedom into the hearts of terrorists because he bought a headband and some nunchucks. Those are just extra.

So what was the point of all this? Well, aside from the homework I am desperately trying to avoid doing, I hate the ungodly screaming of assholes on motorcycles as they accelerate away from the stop sign by my house. And since the City PD won't let me hunt them for sport all I can do is bitch about it on Facebook.

'Merica!

Choices, choices

It's flu shot season and there is no reason not to get vaccinated. You can even get the needle-free, nasal version of the vaccine if you are either a child, or have the mental faculties of a child. Or... you can get this: 

http://www.cnn.com/2013/10/11/health/miracle-marathoner-carlos/index.html?hpt=hp_bn13

Up to you.

Home Security

Apparently people will simply buy signs and stickers that read "This Home Protected by (INSERT COMPANY NAME) SECURITY" instead of actually securing their home, which seems a little silly to me. After all, if you're not actually going to fork out the scratch for a security system and are just making fact-less claims in order to scare away potential burglars, then the sky's the limit isn't it? Why not get more creative?

"This Home Is Protected By Bee's and Hand Grenades... Which One Am I Joking About? Details Inside!" would be a far better sign (spoiler: it's actually bee's *with* hand grenades).

"CAUTION: The Resident Of This House Sleeps In The Nude, Isn't Very Picky And Responds To Intrusion With Confused Eroticism" is another one that would certainly give me pause were I a ne'er-do-well looking to steal someones TV and not be molested by its owner. On the other hand it might attract the kind of burglar that makes other criminals feel a bit uneasy about and avoid in the lunch room at Poor Impulse Control High School.

"Unauthorized Entrance To This Home Guarantees A Trip To Guantanamo Bay And One Complimentary Water Boarding!" seems to strike the right tone between "terrifying jingoistic torture" and "free Caribbean vacation," but might make it awkward when Homeland Security refuses to transport your captured thief to Cuba in a timely manner and you end up baptizing them with freedom in your own home. Remember to put down towels or you might lose your deposit!

Or perhaps a picture is more fitting? After all, they are worth a thousand words, and fitting that many words onto a sticker isn't particularly cost effective. A simple 4x6 sticker with a picture of yourself doing the Silence of The Lambs dance (http://tinyurl.com/6q37a7v skip to 0:53) or dressed as a clown (literally any clown, from It to Krusty The Clown will be more than sufficient) should let the potential trespasser know that he's more than welcome to come in, but if it doesn't want the hose again, it puts the lotion on its skin.

At any rate, get creative and have fun!

Healthcare is a privledge. But it shouldn't be.

An excellent post by a medical student in Texas about the consequences of ignoring the need for increased access to care for all.

http://www.texasobserver.org/a-galveston-med-student-describes-life-and-death-in-the-safety-net/

Warm Fuzzies

I don't understand... 

Everyone wanted to post the video of the homeless Vet getting a fucking haircut and a suit, like it was supposed to cure his substance abuse and reverse decades of untreated mental illness that's been otherwise ignored by an incompetent VA and an American public too busy watching Dancing With The Stars to even attempt to find any fucks to give, but no one wants to link to the story of him getting arrested? Shockingly, superficial fixes and masturbatory feel good videos won't fix the issues Vets face. Neither will yellow ribbon magnets, tricked out motorcycles built by reality TV d-bags, or discounts at Applebee's one day a year. Huh. Who would have guessed.

James Wolf, Homeless Veteran In Popular Makeover Video, Arrested For Trespassing
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/20/james-wolf-arrested_n_4312610.html

Ball Jokes

I am technically an adult. I work a multitude of jobs in industries where my knowledge and experience are quite literally the difference between l life and death. I own a car, pay rent, vote, know how to cook, have found someone I want to spent my life with, and have purchased art. I'm a combat vet, licensed occupational hearing conservation technician, and have used a Dremel successfully without injuring myself (yet). I can shoot straight, drive sideways (on purpose), and pack 2 weeks of travel items in a carry on. I've fixed cars, cardiac arrests, and cracked tea pots. I can write papers on American political inequality for women, draw a fire plan sketch, and fold a paper airplane like a boss. I own a suit, cuff links, and a few basic power tools and I know how to appropriately use all of them. I'm an adult with a life plan, a responsible mature individual who can deal with a great many situations with sensitivity and rational understanding.

Yet, none of these things will EVER prevent me from making a perfectly timed testicle joke, in class, when the chemistry professor is demonstrating molecular bonds using stick and ball models.

My First Time

Well, I suppose it had to happen eventually. It's surprising that it took this long, really. I'm not usually a late bloomer, but I had gone so long without really thinking about it that by the time I actually did start to consider the possibility it seemed... daunting. What would others think? Would it be embarrassing? How would I explain it to my parents?

People had been telling me to get on with it for years. And to them it probably seemed like no big deal, but to me it seemed awkward, impossible, and even a little foolish. "Why would I want to bother wasting all my time doing something I don't even know if I like?" I thought. "Why can't I just keep doing what I'm doing?", "What if, somehow, I do it wrong and everybody laughs at me?" "Am I out of bourbon and rum!?" Thoughts that were both valid and a means to prevent me from having to answer any of the questions by finding out.

So, here I sit, having finally done it. It was the inspiration of many people like me, late bloomers and new comers, who finally motivated me to do what I had, if ever so slightly, dreaded. I created a blog.

A place for dick jokes, irritable rants, discussion of whatever happens to suit me, and vaguely sexual innuendo that will, in all likelihood, not be all that vague.

I will likely start out by transferring some of my posts from Facebook that people said belong on a blog and then going from there. If I feel like it. After all, its a big world out there and blah blah blah, I like naps.  See you later!