Clinic Quick Tips: A Patients Guide To Medical Care - Chapter 1

Welcome to...

Clinic Quick Tips: A Patients Guide To Medical Care!

The goal of this guide is to help you, the patient, navigate our complex, and often challenging healthcare system by giving you tools, tips, and advice to make the most of your next clinic or doctors office visit.

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Please note that this guide is not meant to substitute the advice of your healthcare provider, who should be consulted before you attempt any of the advice listed in this guide.

If at any time while reading this guide you begin to experience any of the following conditions:

• Chest pain
• Shortness of breath
• Numbness or tingling
• Nausea
• An erection lasting for more than 4 hours, especially in women
• Bubble guts
• Decreased libido
• Increased libido
• Excessive floppiness
• Bad credit
• Blood in your urine or stool

Please immediately stop reading this guide and call your primary care provider or nearest walk-in clinic, yell incoherently, then proceed to a different medical facility, preferably in an entirely different medical system, for care. When you arrive there, complain loudly about them not being prepared for your arrival, even though you called ahead of time.
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Chapter 1: Preparing For Your Appointment

So you have finally made an appointment with your primary care provider to have that rash that's been bothering you for the last 7 years, good for you! Although the appointment is on Monday, and today is Friday it's been raining all day, so since you're bored you might as well head down to the walk-in clinic and ask them to fix you up!

• Tip #1: Before you leave your house make sure you're prepared for your appointment. Showering and changing your clothes will only delay your care; just like in CSI your medical team needs to see you in your original state! So make sure you don't give your child anything for their fever, change the underwear you sharted in, or even brush your teeth, or else it might obscure valuable diagnostic information!
• Bonus Tip: If you suspect that you medical condition might require a sample, try to obtain it before presenting to your clinic. While most medical and lab personnel will make a big stink over "sterility," all that really means is, "extra clean," so sending that old yogurt cup or baby food jar through the dishwasher before placing your urine, feces, mucous, or mysterious anal clot inside is perfectly OK! Make sure you place it on the desk while checking in so they know you were savvy enough to bring a sample with you.
• Tip #2: When checking in for your appointment make sure you use obscure language or codes to convey what you want to be seen for. Reception and Patient Registration Staff are exhaustively trained in order to decipher just exactly what is wrong!
• Don't have any codes or anachronistic language to describe your cough or urinary tract infection? No problem! Just describe a problem that is the exact opposite of what you want to be evaluated for.
• Examples: Urinary tract infection = "problem down below," cough or minor chest congestion = "chest pain and can't breathe," vomiting and a little dehydrated = "throwing up dark urine," crushing substernal chest pain that radiates to your left arm, with difficulty breathing, and profuse sweating = "minor chest cold."

• Tip #3: While waiting to be called back for your visit, get comfy! Using multiple chairs can help to make your wait far more comfortable. Can't hear the TV? Turn that bad boy up as loud as you want! You pay the salaries of the people here after all, and if they ask you to turn the TV back down, just remind them of that! Also, feel free to write on, tear up, or even keep any magazines or other literature that is in the waiting room, it's there for a reason!
• Bonus Tip: When your name is finally called, take your time responding and getting up. This, combined with loud sighs, and complaints about how long you had to wait let the medical staff know that you're important! Didn't have a long wait? Doesn't matter! The same techniques can be used to make sure the clinic staff keep a move on and don't slow down your day!

Chapter 2: Making The Most Of Your Visit        ...COMING SOON!