A Primer To Navigating Modern Medicine
Well, here we are. You've finally decided that the crushing sub-sternal chest pain that radiates to your left arm or the rash you have had for 4 years finally needs some doctorin'. Good for you! Below are some tips, tricks, and pointers to make your next visit to the Walk-In Clinic or Urgent Care a satisfying and successful one!Let us know.
1. When checking in with the receptionist, try to keep your complaint as vague and misleading as possible. For example; if you feel like you might be having a heart attack, try saying, "I just don't feel well, I think I have a cold." And if you feel like you have a cold or maybe strep throat try saying, "Oh god! I'm dying! I can't breathe! My chest hurts!"You're the boss!
2. Make it a point not to step on the scale when the nursing or ancillary staff ask you to. They only ask so that they can make fun of you later. Your deeply held belief that despite being 5'1" and 385lbs, you're only fat if you step on the scale is absolutely correct.Go crazy!
3. The Walk-In and/or Urgent Care setting is absolutely the correct place to have your long-standing and complex mental health problems managed. If possible, try not to bring a medication list, the name of your psychiatrist, or a friend or family member who can assist. Please remember to try being as combative as possible.No soap? No worries!
4. Had a hot day working outside? Covered in cow or other animal feces? Not a fan of bathing? Then come on down! The staff would be more than happy to take a look at and treat your 4 year old plantars wart, chronic hemorrhoids, or crotch rash!Secret Agent man!
5. No need to give up your name for a number! Feel free to thoroughly explain to any staff around how everything from the scale to the thermometer, to the question "Do you feel safe in your home?" is all part of a vast government conspiracy! Not a patient? Not a problem! You can accompany your family member or friend to their appointment as well! The Man isn't going to get one over on you!MoneyMoneyMoneyMoney... Money!
6. Any fool knows that all medicines and medical care are free thanks to Obama, and you're no fool! Make sure you let everyone from the receptionist to the nursing staff to the cleaners know that you're not happy about your $5 co-pay and $1 prescription. It's a well-known fact that if you complain about it often enough your visit will be completely free!Closing Time!
7. Just like how restaurants only give out the best food five minutes before closing, you can beat the rush and get better care if you show up just a few minutes before the clinic closes. This is especially important if you have a complex and time-consuming medical problem that has been plaguing you for months! Those turned off lights, empty waiting rooms, and locked doors just mean that you're getting exclusive and premier medical care!And there you go! Hopefully these tips will help you to get the most out of your next medical experience. They are tried and true measures that will lead to a happier, healthier, and more narcotic-possessing you!
